RIOT AT SEWARD PARK PCC
The sound of shopping carts and hushed conversation was disturbed yesterday afternoon at the Seward Park PCC, a popular branch of the Northwest grocery store chain.
Serene Platt began her shift behind the cash register at two-ish, as she does nearly every weekday. “I was speaking at length with one of our regular customers about the local origins of an organic unwaxed garden cucumber” said Platt “when a non-member who was next in line said something about being in a hurry, I ignored him, as I do all non members, and returned to serving my customer”. At this point reports Platt, “things began to get scary”. This month’s rotating Store Tribal Leader, Peace Cortez-Jones sensed that trouble was brewing and began to slowly approach the checkout stand. “He looked like trouble from the moment he parked his non-hybrid vehicle” said Cortez-Jones. “The fact that he didn’t smell like incense or hemp set off all my warning buzzers”.
The man, Jeffrey Smith, a businessman visiting from Cleveland, approached the counter with a loaf of the popular 29-grain raw yeast-free bread and asked Ms. Platt if the store carried any plain white bread. “He just started provoking me with his male privilege and desire for non organic products that taste good”. The customer was informed by Ms. Cortez-Jones that the store did not carry white bread or any other “planet hating products”. Mr. Smith purchased the 29 grain bread and allegedly asked for a plastic bag. The intrepid checkout clerk displayed no emotion as she guided her foot to the emergency panic button under the counter. The buzzer sends out a high frequency signal that can only be heard by strict Vegans. All of the shoppers in the store responded to the alert and swarmed towards the checkout counter to assist the embattled clerk.
“I was pummeled with raw zucchini, whole wheat flax pretzel sticks and had bottles of non-pasteurized goat milk dumped on my head” a distressed Mr. Smith told reporters. “I had no idea what I did to offend these people” said Mr. Smith who expressed surprise when told that possession and distribution of disposable bags are illegal within 50 yards of any PCC or Whole Foods grocery store.
A spokesman at the PCC Politburo headquarters in Eugene, Oregon provided a statement condemning all forms of violence, “whether committed by environment hating males or anybody else who isn’t on the side of our planet”. After being closed for cleanup in aisles three and four for the remainder of the day, the store was back open for business this morning. “We had to re-open as soon as we could or who would the Real Change newspaper salesmen and petition gatherers be able to harass?” Said Cortez-Jones: